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5 Lawyer Jokes

Woman to Woman
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Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:

  1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
  2. Oh, look, that women and I
  3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
  4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
  5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
  6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
  7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
  8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
  9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
  10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!

 

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Divorce
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A woman walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"

"In most cases," answers the lawyer, "it is true. Are you

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One More Shake
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An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to

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Emergency Calls
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The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

  • Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."
  • Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the
  • Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"
  • Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."
  • Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"
  • Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."
  • Caller (on realising the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!"
  • Caller: "He's not breathing!"
    Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
    Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"
  • Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
    Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."
  • Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
    Caller: "He's a lawyer."
  • Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"
  • Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
    Call-taker: "What is your address?"
    Caller: "It's gone."
  • Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off... ...this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

 

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Screwed
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Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the  island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb

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