Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France.
To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.
George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.
"Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "Do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"
"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this."
"Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"
"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are
currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is
Year 2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year
Application Software System". (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at
MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time
can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on
it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the
program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put
anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first
time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and
she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to
say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we
were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already
demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee
was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly
exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."
I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper.
She
said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified
section, though."
I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!"
She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells,
coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
On a trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with the Queen.
He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," replied the Queen, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen.
"You may go now."
President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove.
He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle.
But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him.
So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove.
"You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush.
"The child was Tony Blair!"
A poor couple gave birth to a set of twins.
They were so poor that they had to give the babies up for adoption, to ensure that they could lead good lives with people who could care for them.
One brother was adopted by a family from Mexico, and they named him Juan.
The other brother was adopted by a family from India, and they named him Ammal.
20 years passed.
One day, the birth mother received a letter and a picture from her son Juan.
She was so happy to read his words and see his picture.
She excitedly showed them to her husband when he came home.
They were very happy.
Then she sighed sadly.
Questioned by her husband, she said, "I only wish Ammal had sent a picture too. I'd love to see what he looks like."
Her husband looked at her and said, "dear, they're twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Ammal."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his
big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back
of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."
A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?"
"No," she said, "I've got cold cream on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed."
He said, "OK," and went on to bed.
The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"
She said, "No, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess up the bed.
He said, "OK." and went on to sleep.
The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"
She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed."
He said, "OK," and went on to sleep.
The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?"
She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed."
"OK," he said and went on to sleep.
The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.
His wife asked what the outfit was for.
He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!!.
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be
before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a
tonsillectomy!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The
third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember
how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was
delicious."
