Have you ever noticed that they put
advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail
in with them. I get back at them. I put
garbage in with my check when I
mail it in. Coffee grounds, banana
peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away for me? Thank you."

FABRIC SOFTENER:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women were coming up to me
(sniff) "Married" (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off that ring, but
it's hard to get that April fresh scent out
of your clothes.

CRIPES:

My wife is from the Mid-west. Very nice
people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's
sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of
"Holy Moly". I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
"Heck"?

MORNING DIFFERENCES:

Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake
up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "how can he want me the
way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic
nerves.

PREGNANCY:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, "Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I
always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to
ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas.
"Oh my god...give me your
hand...it won't be long now..."

GRANDMA:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her
car that says, "Sexy Senior
Citizen." You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

REVERSE LIFE CYCLE:

The most unfair thing about life is the way
it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What
do you get at the end of
it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think
the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out
of the way. Then you live
in an old age home. You get kicked out when
you're too young, you get a
gold watch, you get to go to work. You work
forty years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party,
you get ready for high school. You go to
grade school, you become a
kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,
you become a baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating...you
finish off as an orgasm.

PRISONS:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand
dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a
piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give
free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if
they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to
the generator.

AWARDS SHOWS:

Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They even have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A
whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I
fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.

PHONE-IN POLLS:

You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18%
"I don't know". It costs 90
cents to call up and vote... They're voting
"I don't know." "Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into phone) I DON'T
KNOW! (Hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes
you have to stand up for what
you believe you're not sure about." This
guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the
mood."

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Did you ever hear one of those corny,
positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and
I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for
the day is "Share the love."
"Beep" "Uhhh, yeah... this is the VD clinic
calling... Speaking of
being positive, your test is back. Stop
sharing the love."