• I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All
  you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people
  are just assholes.
• I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and
  only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about
  fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or
  huge tits.
• I've learned- that you can keep puking long after you think
  you're finished.
• I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless
  we are celebrities.
• I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you
  will be offered medication.
• I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a
  relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had
  better be a lot of money to take its place.
• I've learned- that money is a great substitute for
  character.
• I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick
  you when you're down will be the ones who do.
• I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the
  way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage
  of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.
• I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't
  mean they don't have secret plans to move out.
• I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends
  because their dysfunction makes us feel better about
  ourselves.
• I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your
  children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in
  the local paper.
• I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

And it took a long time to learn this.