Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top
of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some
diabolical extraterrestrial experiment? When you feed your cat, does
he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the
spacepod were much better than this." If so, your cat may be from
outer space.

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it
for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and
they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity
to the moony-eyed, potbellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.
Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be
involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with
the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across
the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble
stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space: If you suspect that
your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions

• Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with
  extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the
  cat can see?
• Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by
  rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into
  peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into
  strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive
  astronaut training?
• Does your cat try to communicate with extraterrestrials by meowing
  at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer
  monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a
  piece of consumer electronics?
• Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio
  messages from the mothership through the plasterboard?
• Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"
  Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
• Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litterbox so
  that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
• Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more
  advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the
  monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until
  the computer won't stop beeping?
• Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes--and
  superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a
visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to
aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket
the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't
give him directions to the carpet store.

WHAT CATS FROM OUTER-SPACE LOOK LIKE

Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats. They have
Four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up
sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't
believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at
getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do like pulling
yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or
opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the
cat in and out.

WHAT TO FEED CATS FROM OUTER SPACE

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as
what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this
frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

SPECIAL CARE TIPS FOR CATS FROM OTHER PLANETS

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe
in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--
one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to
elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner
of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot
instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats
and transport from.

HOW CATS FROM OUTER SPACE DIFFER FROM
CATS WHO'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those
who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are
similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run
through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and
scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green
men in saucer-shaped ships.