Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that
Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that
the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since
the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
organizations. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be
able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
compromised Ten Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being
called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there,"
the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous
stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be
allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for
at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish
children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having
eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos
were finally declared to be Kosher.

Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a
takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely
pointed out that, were it not for the "phony ass, independent,
cultural schizophrenic" existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned,
he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a
rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."