The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

• ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
• ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment
  of the impact?
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
• ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
  your memory at all?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways do es it affect
  your memory?
  WITNESS: I forget.
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
  of something you forgot?
• ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
  husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS: My name is Susan!
• ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
  has ever been involved in voodoo?
  WITNESS: We both do.
  ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
  WITNESS: We do.
  ATTORNEY: You do?
  WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
• ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
  when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
  exam?
• ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
  twenty-year-old, how old is he?
  WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
• ATTORNEY: Were you present when
  your picture was taken?
  WITNESS: Are you shitin' me?
• ATTORNEY: So the date of conception
  of the baby was August 8th?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing
  at that time?
  WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
• ATTORNEY: She had three children,
  right?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
  WITNESS: None.
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
  WITNESS: Are you shitin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
  attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
• ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
  terminated?
  WITNESS: By death.
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was
  it terminated?
  WITNESS: Now whose death do you
  suppose terminated it?
• ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and
  had a beard.
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS: Guess.
• ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
  morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when
  I go to work.
• ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
  autopsies have you performed on dead
  people?
  WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed
  on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
• ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
  OK? What school did you go to?
  WITNESS: Oral.
• ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
  you examined the body?
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around
  8:30 p.m.
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead
  at the time?
  WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the
  table wondering why I was doing an
  autopsy on him!
• ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
  urine sample?
  WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to
  ask that question?
• ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
  the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
  pressure?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
  patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
  on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have
  still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
  have been alive and practicing law.