Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary

• ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
• BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house
  Bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
• BULIMIA: Retched excess.
• CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
  intelligence.
• CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their
  backsides a closed circle of asses.
• CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how
  to work.
• DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
  periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
  to Spanish music.
• DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building
  block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to
  nowhere.
• ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in
  any business or romantic enterprise.
• FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so
  that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume
  wood pulp.
• FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who
  continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to
  entertain them.
• GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that
  science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the
  banjo.
• HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
• JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward
  to on a Monday morning.
• LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf
  of a paying client for this reason considered the most suitable
  background for entry into politics.
• LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
• LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local
  merchants in the wake of a riot.
• LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
  Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
• MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching
  each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
• MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares
  the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables
  in their possession.
• NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice
  shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
• NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
• OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us,
  occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become
  cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
• POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
• QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer
  when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
• REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity
  to become an oppressor.
• SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
  popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful
  employment on local TV news broadcasts.
• STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
• SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
• STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

• TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
  everyone in the group to gasp e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,
  serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the
  question "How are you?" in the negative.

• UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
• URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
• VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the
  gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
• WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
  2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do,
  especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
• X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women
  with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be
  color-blind hemophiliacs.
• ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans
  and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.