Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only one little thing,and
I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart silly.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just
one
good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me. Do it for thousands
of
women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be
giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives
aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves
if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style
for
dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from
hollyhocks dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless
it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy
holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric,
let
alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet, with all
the holiday rush, you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's
USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We
discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
ordered
it once), she refuses to eat it cold-cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?)
When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't
have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this
"in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either,"

Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me
years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and
hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The
coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly
put
way, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put
away" in my house.

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not
just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about
giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such
frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s" and says her
most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a
monogram, how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new
friends. Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the
Greek
Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for
the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs.
They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl
sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most
influentialpeople
by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya
Angelou, no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought
white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy
them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to
jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller
blade
with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms
what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much
time
on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller blade. What a show off!

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends:
She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't
cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship,
right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm
doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.You
should listen to them."

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the
hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever
is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards,"
says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself
an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky
little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You
probably want to smack her yourself.

Signed,

Every American working woman