My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned to play
golf, you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over
the country when you are too old to chase women."

So, I went to see
Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

He said, sure,
you've got balls, haven't you?

I said, yes, but sometimes on cold
mornings they're kinda hard to find.

Bring them to the clubhouse
tomorrow he said and we will tee off.

What's tea off, I asked?

He said,
it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

Not
the barn somewhere.

No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the
size of your little finger.

Yeah, I've got one of those.

Well, he said,
you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.

I asked do
you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked
around.

You do, he said, You're standing up when you put your ball on
the tee.

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too
far, and I said so.

He said "You've got a bag haven't you?"

"Sure" I
said.

He said "your balls are in it, aren't they?"

Of course, I told
him.

Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?

I said, I
suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.

He asked if I didn't have
a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.

Well, after fifty years
I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so.

He said, you take
your club in both hands

Folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he
was talking about.

Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.

No, no,
that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.

He asked me,
how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said, "in two
fingers".

He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms
around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.

He couldn't
catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I
said I could well imagine.

Then, he said, and when you're on the green,

what's the green, I asked.

No, then you take your putter,

what's the
putter, I asked.

That's the smallest club made, he said.

That's what
I've got, a putter.

With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.

I
corrected you mean the putter?

He said, the ball, the hole isn't big
enough for the ball and the putter.

Well, I've seen holes big enough for
a horse and wagon.

Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go
on to the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me.

After two holes, I'm
shot to hell.

You mean he said you can't make eighteen holes in one day?

Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do
I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?

He said, the flag would go up.

That would be just my luck.