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Select reading material.
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Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
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Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
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Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
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Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
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Open reading material and relax.
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Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
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Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out.
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It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
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Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
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Rise and look at the crap.
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Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g.
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color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc.
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You must tell people about it.
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Take long length of paper and wipe anus.
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You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.
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Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.
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Flush.
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If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself.
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Or,when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet. Leave the seat up.
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Leave the reading material on the floor (you CAN use it again later).
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Wash your hands once.
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Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open.
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It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
