- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number. - Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
"I love you." - Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. - Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice. - The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness. - At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car. - It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets,
and go pillage a nearby town. - Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" - Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years. - On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too. - St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain
exactly the same. - But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing
cops. Or to the crooks. - Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history. - The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers. - The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle. - It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas. - Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." - Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
