- The Last Supper would have been brunch.
- The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they"
- Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
- The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
- The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
- Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
- The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
- Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boyswait. Never mind.
- Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
- The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.
