In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

• WARNING - may be offensive to Kenneth Starr (sorry Jack, couldn't leave it
  alone), Dan Quayle, impotent men, downsized employees of Motorola, Southern
  Baptists, women, men, the Amish, snails, the Navy, sufferers of Tourette's
  syndrome.
• The grand jury judge in the Starr - Clinton investigation has told lawyers
  for Kenneth Starr and President Clinton that there are to be no more leaks
  to the press. That information was, of course, immediately leaked to the
  press.
• Ken Starr has Secret Service agents testifying. He wants White House lawyers
  to testify. He wants private investigators to testify. He wants personal
  secretaries to testify. He was even seen on the White House lawn, trying to
  get Buddy to speak.
• In the recent California governor's race, the big loser was Al Checchi, who
  spent $40 million of his own money and has nothing to show for it. Kenneth
  Starr said, "Tell me about it." (Leno)
• Dan Quayle may be running for president. He said if he doesn't get the
  nomination in 2000, he'll try again four years later, in the year 6000.
  (Leno)
• Scientists now believe that El Nino is responsible for making our days one
  tenth of a millisecond longer. That's a relief. I thought I was imagining
  it.
• Tornadoes, brush fires, flooding and drought have bombarded the U.S. in the
  last two months. It's becoming a political issue. This week, Al Gore called
  for less violence on the Weather Channel.
• The FDA is looking into the deaths of six men who were taking Viagra. The
  sad thing is, to impotent guys, death is just a minor side effect. (Leno)
• Two Amish men in Pennsylvania were arrested for distributing cocaine. Police
  knew they were on to something when they discovered a crack barn.
• Actor Charlton Heston was elected president of the National Rifle
  Association. The NRA has waited a long time for man of his caliber.
• Motorola is laying off 15,000 people. The good news is, the company is
  giving them 30 free minutes to clear out their desks.
• Despite his recent death and burial, the Sinatra family announced that Frank
  Sinatra is doing fine and should recover soon.
• A Southern Baptist group declared that men should be the leader of the
  household and that women should submit to their men's wishes. The group also
  declared they'll be sleeping on the couch until further notice. (O'Brien)
• Astronomers are claiming that Pluto is not really a planet. Of course not,
  he's a dog.
• Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle sexual
  harassment claims. In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to change the name of
  its upcoming new car, the Bimbo.
• Researchers say an infection could be responsible for Tourette's syndrome, a
  disease causing involuntary outbursts of noise and swearing. Truck drivers
  appear to be especially susceptible to the infection.
• When Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls, a reporter commented to the
  remaining girls that they are now a quartet. One of them replied, "Please,
  no math."
• Ginger Spice says she left over differences. I think we can rule out
  creative. (Leno)
• I would like to send this message to my neighbors - that wasn't an
  earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce that I now have
  nuclear weapons. (Miller)
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Youngman)
• According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices on a woman is
  her eyes. According to another survey, men lie a lot!
• Scientists have discovered a new species of snail. Well, it took them long
  enough.
• Sailors have long complained that the Navy's uniforms are decades out of
  date, making it impossible to find a matching purse and pumps.