MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a
royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be
able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When
a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes
later, she will kick
them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the
same pair of shoes
all day.

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking
the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she
wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as
soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking,
men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of some short
people living in the house.

BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for:
weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago,
before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This
is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the

ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike,
Dave, Rob and
Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When
the girls get their
check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons,
store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They
use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend
and they will talk for
three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to
be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions.
Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like,"Looks like I've
found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize
that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last
man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's
toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of
dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's
just got five minutes
left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or
replays.