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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. -
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............ B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
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The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
