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Confucius: When in doubt, whip it out.
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When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm fucking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand.
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You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist, and the part severed below.
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I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear. When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink. When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down the middle.
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My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style. I'd probably like it, too, if it weren't for that part where she humps the mailman.
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My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but unfortunately, he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't put enough air holes in the box.
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I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always different and never gets boring. I call it "Kick a Stranger."
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The other day, I tried some Kentucky jelly. It didn't taste very good, but it sure does make the peanut butter go down real easy.
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It just isn't fair. I never had any juvenile impulses at all until after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.
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I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat Food. Oh yeah, baby, I would give up my Nintendo for a piece of that!
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Sure, they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have seen how quickly my flower shop job interview ended when I let slip I was a florasexual.
