-
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink
the water. In a developed country, don't
breathe the air. - The Joint Chief of Staffs should hold all
future meetings in Baghdad until the last
soldier leaves Iraq. That should speed
things up. - Originality is the fine art of remembering
what you hear but forgetting where you
heard it - America's faith in the future is best shown
by the huge debt it expects the next
generation to pay off. - A friend will always tell you exactly what
she thinks so I guess that makes me
friends with everyone. - Just because I don't care doesn't mean
I don't understand. - Meandering to a different drummer.
- Live your life as an exclamation, not an
explanation. - I'm going to put all my money in taxes.
They're sure to go up. - How people treat you is their karma; how
you react is yours. - Me, a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does
include a free trip around the sun. - You should not confuse your career
with your life. - When I finished school, I took one of
those career aptitude tests, and based
on my verbal ability score, they suggested
I become a mime. - The Iraqis are gradually gaining their
freedom, while we're slowly losing ours. - Life is a banquet which should be enjoyed
with relish - except for dessert, which should
be enjoyed with chocolate. - It's a cat's world . . . and we're just here to
open the cans. - Climate is what we expect, weather is what
we get. - A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer
is one who notices you. - An Iraqi moderate is one who has run out
of ammunition.
Why do they have the back pain medicine
on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy? - There's one in every crowd and they always
find me. - The tongue weighs practically nothing, but
so few people can hold it. - I'm offended by political jokes. Too often
they get elected - Save a cow - eat a vegetarian.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome
as a solution to the problem. - If a tree falls in the forest with no one to
hear it, who will notify the next of kindling? - Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in
no time, but cannot understand the workings
of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum
cleaner? - You've just wasted your time reading this
sentence. If you read this sentence,
you've just wasted twice as much time! - So how do I pick a president? Much the
same way I choose a driver to the airport.
Which one will cost me the least, and
not get me killed - Youth is when you blame all your problems
on your parents; maturity is when you learn
that everything is the fault of the younger
generation, - Why don't you slip into something more
comfortable; like a coma... - Never go to bed angry; stay up and plot
your revenge... - Don't believe everything you think.
- Have a nice day ...someplace else.
- Society will ignore almost any form of
unacceptable public behavior except
getting into the express line with two
extra items. - One of the many advantages of being
a tall woman is that fewer people can
tell when you're starting to go gray. - Anyone who wants to steal my identity
can have it. I'll bet they return it within
24 hours. - At my age, I don't mind all my laugh lines.
I just wish I could remember what the
heck was so funny. - When we hear that a doctor lost a patient,
why don't we assume that the patient got
well?
