• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  -- Rita Rudner
• I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
  --Jay Leno
• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
  --Jackie Gleason
• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  --Red Buttons
• I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
  --Mike Binder
• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
  --Stephen Leacock
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
  --Steve Bluestone
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  -- George Carlin
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is.
  --Ellen DeGeneris
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  --Carol Leifer