• Does anybody else find it ironic that many couples split up because they haven't spent enough time together?
• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
• Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone notices.
• If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse; try looking at it from a different angle.
• You can't fool all the people all the time but. if you can do it once every four years, you'll have a promising career ahead of you in politics.
• Utility is when you have one telephone, Luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.\
• The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every morning . . . and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either.
• If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.
• An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a free lunch. 
• We are developing a unique educational system. Where else can you find algebra taught in the third grade and spelling in college?
• The France that helped us during the Revolutionary War was that of Louis XVI . . . but then they cut off his head and France has not helped us since.
• I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree. Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to get lost in the hallways.
• A bank is a dignified institution that was established for people to have a place to keep the government's money until tax time.
• Global warming can be attributed to that extra hour of sunlight we get when we switch to daylight-saving time.
• Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income, which he then spends sending his son to college.
• The only place where the employees would go on strike to make LESS money is the U. S. Mint.
• To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer. 
• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 
• The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! 
• Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
• Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
• Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
• Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
• Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
• Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
• A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
• Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.
• Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
• Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
• A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.
• A man who throws dirt loses ground.
• A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. 
• Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
• He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
• Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• *grin* It makes "them" wonder!
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.