One misty Scottish
morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of
the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.

The man is at
least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe.

He has a huge red
beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing
only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside
there also stands a young woman.

She is absolutely
beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.

The driver stops
and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the
red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a
fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you
Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"

"But..." stammers
the driver.

"Du it now - or
I'll bluddy kill yu!"

So the driver
turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.

Thinking of the
girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls
the Highlander "Du it agin!"

"But....." says
the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does
it again.

"Right laddie, du
it agin!" demands the Highlander.

This goes on for
nearly two hours.

The hapless driver
gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his
sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind
has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!"
says the Highlander.

"I can't do it any
more!  You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.

The Highlander
looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right
laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"