Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!

• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5", because they can turn your body into an accordion!
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.
• It's a small world. So you have to use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
• Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it