• Don't steal. The government hates competition.
• "I Always Wanted To Be Somebody, but I Should Have Been More Specific."
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier that putting it back in there.
• Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
• I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
• If the music's too loud you're too old.
• Firms keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I'm deeply indebted.
• Why are Democrats better in bed? Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.
• Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips.
• What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer? They both have skeletons in their closet.
• What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth? LIAR.
• What do you call a democrat that sleeps around? A breeding-heart liberal.
• If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
• What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a corrupt lawyer? Chelsea.
• How does the IRS describe a day at work? Taxing.