These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
• "I would not allow this employee to breed"
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
• "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
• "He's been working with glue too much"
• "He would argue with a signpost"
• "He has knack for making strangers immediately"
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
• "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
• "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection"
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
• "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
• "One neuron short of a synapse"
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
• "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"