• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
• Marriage changes passion.
  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
  on it.
  So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
• How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
  but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"
  now I just "chunky dunk."
• Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
• Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
• Wouldn't you know it...
  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
• Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
• Bumper sticker of the year:"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"