I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a
she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all
frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.
24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and
plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the
universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another
problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's
rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop
to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to
check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could
pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on
earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!