While Shakespeare was a very wise man, you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we  were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

• Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
  Translation: We should masturbate more.
• The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
  Translation: Only fight sissies.
• Great floods have flown from simple sources.
  Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
• The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
  Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
• Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
  Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
• Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
  Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
• Have patience, and endure.
  Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
• I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
  Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
• Men at some time are masters of their fate.
  Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
• They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
  Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
• That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
  Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
• O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
  Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
• The course of true love never did run smooth.
  Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
• I'll note you in my book of memory.
  Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
• Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
  Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
• Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
  Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
• Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
  Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
• 'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
  Translation: Nooners rock.
• My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
  Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.Get over it.