At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every
triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."