"Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline."

"If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly"

"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2"

"If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6."

"If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace your call."

"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press."

"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway."