14 All you get is Bob Dole standing on your porch, yelling,
"HEY, you kids get off my lawn!"

13 System attempts to bait and trap burglars using a plate
of Oreos and a fishing net.

12 The on-site security guard keeps stealing the covers.

11 The installation crew just dropped off Macaulay Culkin,
three skateboards, tar, feathers, marbles, and several
gallons of paint.

10 Voice recognition only responds when you get your Kissinger
imitation *just* right.

9 Service includes "regular patrolling by Securo the Clown."

8 Eerily calm voice says, "I'm afraid I can't do that,
Mr. Lipshitz."

7 Instead of a traditional alarm, your system plays old
Journey songs at an uncomfortably loud volume.

6 Consists solely of a "Thou shalt not steal" sticker for
your front door.

5 System automatically phones you when it detects your
belongings are being auctioned off on eBay.

4 Every time you flush the toilet, FBI agents surround your house.

3 "Home security -- from the people who brought you Hotmail!"

2 System includes security cameras in your bedroom and bathroom
and requires a high-speed connection to the Internet.

And the Number 1 Sign You
Bought a Crappy Home Security System...

Although highly effective, the dingo pit and lava-filled
moat are a bitch to maintain.