A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers....

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
   I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
   married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
   over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
2. "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3. "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
4. "We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
   Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
   so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
5. "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
6. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
   announced: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
7. "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ....) "Oh go on
   then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
8. "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
9. "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
   the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
10. "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door".