10.You get a threatening note made up of letters cut
from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all
the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in
razor-sharp rows.

9.That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's
water bowl.

8.On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks
exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen
over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham
cracker garage door.

7.You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite
tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan
crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel
sauce.

6.The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even
after you've left the bathroom.

5.You discover that every napkin in the house has been
folded in the shape of a swan.

4.No matter "where" you eat you discover your place
setting always includes an oyster fork.

3.Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by
doilying.

2.You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and
endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha
Stewart is.

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed
squarely at your temple.