• Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn't include the ability to escape from behind them.  
• The IOC still hasn't forgiven you for what you did in the pool at the last Olympics.  
• Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while impressive, is not considered an Olympic event.  
• Although you've mastered the forward flip from the garage roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you're pretty sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water landings.  
• The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way ticket to Attica, not Athens.  
• Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration.   *Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent prescription.  
• Your seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and bringing it back to you.  
• You can't even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace guys showing up to push you back in.  
• Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in-front-of-you.