I'd rather ...

• masturbate with a cheese grater.
• slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
• stick my genitals in a beehive.
• have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
• sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
• dryfuck a polar bear in a phone booth.
• cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
• try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter...and not a twist off either.
• poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.
• stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.